One of the biggest questions in the datingverse right now is “why did he ghost me?” Ghosting can hurt especially if you were starting to develop feelings, and cloaking is even worse, but little does everyone know that there are surefire ways to tell if someone is going to ghost you.

How? By looking at the interactions you’ve had with them and seeing if they’ve been ‘spooked’ up until the ghosting.

According to relationship therapist, Nancy Carbone, ghosting doesn’t just happen for no reason and ‘spooking’ can lead to ghosting. So let’s jump into it.

Is ‘spooking’ just a new bs millennial term?

No, it’s a real thing that even exists in non-romantic relationships. Carbone explains that children can feel spooked by parents who scare them into submission. With that being said, a man may be scared to get close to you regardless of how strongly he feels for you if he’s afraid that the relationship will tie him down or take away his independence.

What is it exactly?

The future-ghostee (person that’s getting ghosted) acts in ways that spook the other person as a reaction from the future-ghoster’s actions. I know that sounds ridiculous but let’s break it down. Obviously people can tell when someone is pulling away or has no intentions of committing, once you notice that, you tend to act in ways you probably wouldn’t.

It’s a natural way to protect yourself. But those actions can end up spooking the other person, and rightfully so.

Here are 5 popular dating mistakes according to Carbone that lead to ghosting:

1. They pull away, you get closer

Recognizing people’s intentions can be so hard. To him, he thinks he’s making it obvious he wants to go slow. To you? Well, it looks like you’re being rejected when he’s not as attentive to you as he used to be.

So, to make sure you don’t get hurt what do you do? Yep, you try to get closer. So here you are, trying to get closer to a person who wants his space which then makes him pull away even more, and at a faster rate. And the cycle continues until he, sadly, ghosts you.

2. You crave constant reassurance

A state of panic hits you when you haven’t heard from him in a while. “Has his feelings changed for me?” “Has he found someone else?” You start getting feelings of anxiety which then cause you to spiral (been there, done that). Once you spiral, it’s super hard to stop yourself which can totally lead you to crave his reassurance constantly. The crave-and-reach out cycle can definitely kill a relationship before it’s even begun!

He’ll start to feel smothered and like this relationship (that isn’t even a relationship yet) is already too much work, so committing to you would sound like a nightmare. Sorry if that stings, it’s one of those hard-to-swallow truths we all need to hear once in a while.

3. You want answers but you want them too early

Having a candid and open conversation about where you both are at is important. But you need to make sure you have it at the right time. Too early, and you’ll spook them. Too late, and well, it’s too late.

There’s a sweet spot and it’s honestly very hard to know where that sweet spot is. It’s unique to each relationship, so, there is no magic formula. Just keep an eye out and be aware that it exists so that you can spot it and take the opportunity, that’s the best advice I can give you.

4. You test him because it feeds that reassurance you crave

Testing people is a natural reaction to feeling like you’re going to get hurt. You want the answers, without really asking the scary questions so you don’t scare him away. But at the end, that in and of itself scares him away anyway.

If you find yourself testing him in ways like bringing things up to make him feel jealous or to get a reaction out of him to see if the reaction he gave you is the one you were expecting, stop! We’ve all done this in some form or another and it’s so difficult to get out of that habit. The reality of it is, testing people is so unbelievably unfair! So if you are doing this, nip it in the bud early before it becomes detrimental.

Eventually, the testing will strip whatever relationship you have with him from being able to have a real connection with real vulnerabilities and instead, all you’ll end up doing is push him away.

5. You project your anger onto him

Because you’re hurting from his distancing away or from his radio silence, you may feel the need to project your anger onto him. It’s natural, but it’s not good. It can spook him away because he’ll constantly be afraid of your reaction. The issue is that you don’t give him a chance to respond to your needs because he’s in a constant state of ‘spooked’, says Carbone.

The real antidote for bridging a connection is to take your hands off, instead of trying to get them to respond to your needs. Instead, if you tune in and listen to what they need or feel, the chances are they will do the same when they’re not spooked. Once they feel safe, you can let them in, and break down the walls that protect you.

Nancy Carbone

So, leave the spooking to Casper cause being spooked only seems to work for him.

The best thing to do is to try and spot these trends early on (whether you’re the ghostee or the ghoster) and make an effort to stop them or have a healthy conversation so that you allow a solid foundation for a new relationship to form organically.

At the end of the day though, ghosting is hot garbage and it’s a childish way to deal with feeling smothered. In no way is this to say that being ghosted is the ghostee’s fault, but there may be things you’re doing that you’re not even aware of that may be pushing him away! 2019 is the year for healthy boundaries and relationships, that’s all!

H/T: Your Tango