How to Be More Effective With Your First Message on Dating Sites

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Author – Perin Simon – Dating Expert

You’ve chosen the perfect online dating app. You’ve carefully filled out your profile. And you’ve even uploaded some killer profile pictures that are sure to attract women’s attention. You’ve got tons of matches, so you’re good to go, right?

Wrong. You’ve done well so far, but now comes the hardest part: sending that first message to a lady you’re interested in. Of course, you want to stand out from the crowd, so you avoid sending a generic “hi,” “hey,” or “how’s it going.” Instead, you opt for a sincere compliment. All women like to be told they’re beautiful, right?

Well, not exactly. While it’s true that most women enjoy receiving compliments about their appearance eventually, they don’t want their initial interaction with you to be about how they look. So what is a guy to do? has spent months analyzing thousands of first messages sent by men to answer this very question. Using this data you can begin to craft a first message that stands out from the crowd and gets the response you are looking for. So what did they find?

Read on to find out!

Source: Beyond Ages

What The Research Says About Effective First Messages In Online Dating

The compliment trap is one that many men fall into. In fact, the research done by the Beyond Ages team shows that 31% of men choose to compliment a woman’s appearance in their first message.

Most of these men—51% to be exact—opt for general compliments like “you’re so hot.” Seventeen percent compliment her smile, 13% compliment her pictures and 5% mention her eyes.

Like we said before, it’s not bad to tell a woman you like how she looks, but you should avoid doing it right off the bat.

So, how do you give a compliment that won’t have the lady you like rolling her eyes? We’re glad you asked. If you follow our foolproof tips on sending effective first messages, we can virtually guarantee you’ll get responses every time.

Complimenting her profile

When you comment on her profile, it shows that you took the time to learn about who she is as a person. This automatically makes a woman more receptive. Let’s face it; a lot of guys use online dating as a way to nail as many women as possible. Yes, there are some women who are just looking for sex, too. But many women want someone to date and aren’t interested in getting naked right away.

Despite profile compliments being a great way to grab a woman’s attention, our research shows only 15% of men are doing this. Why? Possibly because being subtle with compliments isn’t easy. In fact, it’s a bit of an art form—one you can easily learn.

Using common interests

While 60% of men stick to generic compliments such as “I like your profile” or “you seem fun,” comments like that show a decided lack of effort. If you want to really impress her, you can take it up a notch by really reading her profile. Try to find some common ground that you can mention in a message.

If, for instance, you discover you’re both classic movie buffs, why not use that as an opener? For instance: “Your profile really grabbed my attention and I just had to get in touch. I saw that you share my passion for classic films. Which one is your favorite?”

If you can’t find a common interest, you can still impress her with your first message by using flattery.

How to make her feel special

Flattery doesn’t have to be about her appearance. There are many subtle ways you can compliment her without making it physical. Once again, the key is reading her profile carefully. You’ll want to get a feel for her personality before shooting her a message.

If she’s energetic and outgoing, you need a completely different approach than you’d use for a woman who seems shy and sweet.

A woman who appears very social will likely respond well to an upbeat message. Something like: “Your profile has definitely snagged my interest. You seem like you’d be a blast to spend time with and I’d love to know more about you. What do you do for fun?”

If she seems more sensitive or creative, this approach should work: “After reading your profile, I just had to get in touch. I’d love to get to know you better. What are you most passionate about?”

Talking about yourself a little

Roughly 14% of men talk about themselves in their first message. In fact, 37% of these guys use their initial note to talk about their personality and 35% talk about their career. Neither of these is ideal. You don’t want to seem like you’re trying too hard to impress her or that you’re simply full of yourself.

While it’s never a good idea to make your first message all about you, it’s OK to give her a sense of what type of guy you are. Talking about your interests or hobbies can be a good introduction. But you have to tie it in with something from her profile as we talked about above.

Another way you can talk about yourself while showing interest in her is to pose a question.

“Hi there. Looks like you’re an avid traveler just like me. I also enjoy hiking and kayaking. What else do you like to do?”

This shows her you’re a well-rounded guy with interests but won’t be the type to monopolize the conversation. By asking her about her interests, you automatically come off as a guy she’d enjoy talking to.

First message etiquette

While the tips above will definitely help you to stand out from the crowd, there are a few things that can really destroy your chances of impressing a woman. And one of them is bad grammar. Nothing kills the mood quite like horrendous spelling or sentences that are poorly constructed. 

Fortunately, there’s a wide array of free online tools that can keep your messages error-free. Yes, it’s one extra step you’ll have to take. But it’ll be well worth it if you land a date with the woman you want.

The other mistake to avoid is being too keen. You want to appear interested but not over-eager when messaging her. How you word your message is key. If you play it cool and follow our tips above, you’ll be well on your way to some great dates.

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